Need honest opinions

[wolfwood]

Here's something I wrote last night. I would like honest opinions on it, whether cruel or supportive. Thank you in advance.

INT. DINING ROOM-AFTERNOON
A young couple sit at opposite ends of a long dinette table. Their enjoying soup, which appears to be just an appetizer. Candles are lit in the center of the table, even though the room is already quite bright. We hear some lite jazz playing in the background.
The man on the right is RUSSELL. He appears to be in his late teens, short hair, jeans and t-shirt, glasses. He is enjoying his soup a little too much, whilst bobbing his head to the beat. He hardly looks over at the girl at the other end of the table.
The girl on the left is LILITH. Also in her late teens, long hair, wearing a sun dress. She is barely eating her soup, as she stares a hole right through RUSSELL. She only lifts her gaze when RUSSELL looks her way. She taps her feet nervously on the floor.

RUSSELL
(without looking up)
So, how's your mother doing?

LILITH
You mean the devil incarnate?
How should I know, Russell? Like
I keep tabs on her wherabouts.
(beat)
Why do you care, anyway?

RUSSELL
Just trying to start a conversation.
(beat)
You should try to be nicer to her.

LILITH
Really?

RUSSELL
Yeah. I mean, jeez Lilith. She is
your mother.

LILITH
That doesn't mean anything. Not
to me, anyway.

RUSSELL
Just trying to offer some advice.

The two go back to their routines, except for LILITH tapping a bit faster. She has somehting on her mind, but can't say it quite yet.

LILITH
So, what are we doing after dinner?

RUSSELL
(dry)
What's this "we" crap?

LILITH just smiles knowingly, but with a look of fear in her eyes.

RUSSELL
Kidding, kidding. Actaully, I haven't
thought that far ahead in the evening.
What would you like to do?

BOTH
Let's go see a movie.

The two give a little giggle, which really releases the tension in the room.

LILITH
How'd you know I was going to say
that?

RUSSELL
You are a very predictable person.
Not to mention the fact that we've
been dating for six months now.

LILITH
(solemn)
Six months today.

RUSSELL
(raises glass)
Hence the lovely dinner I've prepared.
(beat)
So, what "film" do you want to see?

LILITH
Well, there is that Jackie Chan double-
feature downtown.

RUSSELL gives out a long grown, as LILITH kind of sits uncomfortably for a moment, smiles, then loosens up to her normal self.

LILITH
(playful)
I bet. I bet, that you can't quess what I'm
about to say?

RUSSELL
Oh really?

LILITH
Yeah, Russell. Really.

RUSSELL
Alright, I'm game.

LILITH
Okay, ready? One, two, three.

RUSSELL
What's the main course?

LILITH
(simultaniuosly)
Why'd you cheat on me?

As the last syllable leaves her mouth, the music stops, and the only thing you can hear is the tick tock of the clock and RUSSELL dropping his spoon.

RUSSELL
(dumbfounded)
What?

LILITH
(leans over table)
Why. Did. You. Cheat. On. Me?

RUSSELL sits there for a second looking down at the table. Then he gets up, as if nothing was said, and takes both bowls from the table into the kitchen. LILITH furrows her brow in confusion. RUSSELL walks back into the dining room with two plates in his hand, both with food on them. He sets one in front of LILITH, then brings the other plate to his side. Next, he moves towards the stereo and puts another CD in. RUSSELL sort of glides over to his chair as some more jazz fills the air. He takes a seat and begins to eat, all the time LILITH follows him with her eyes, arms folded. She looks down at her plate.

LILITH
(flat)
What in the world is this.

RUSSELL
Chicken alfredo and mixed vegetables.
I made it.

LILITH
No, captain obvious, this whole "let's
avoid the question at hand" game
that your playing.

RUSSELL puts down his fork down then pushes his glasses up.

RUSSELL
Well, Lilith. It's just that I don't think
it's an importan issue. Atleast not
imporatant eough to ruin our anniversary
over.

LILITH
Oh, okay dear. Will talk about it later.
Or never. You know, whatever's
convinent for you.

RUSSELL
(resumes eating)
Glad you see it my wa-

LILITH
(cuts him off)
I was being sarcastic, you prick.
And saying that you cheating on
me isn't important is like saying
that, that Spider-Man's secret
identity isn't important!

RUSSELL just looks at her, not getting the reference.

LILITH
Oh, and don't worry about our
anniversary. It's already crap thanks
to you.


RUSSELL
(still mellow)
Crap?! What on earth did I do to
ruin this evening?

LILITH
(stands up)
You cheated on me!!

RUSSELL drops his utensil again. After about a beat LILITH lets out a puff of air, fixes her hair, and sits back down.

RUSSELL
Did you see me, with your own eyes,
having sex with another woman?

LILITH
(cold)
No.

RUSSELL
Then how do you know that I even
did anythi-

LILITH
(cuts him off)
Kelly Cheshire told me. She said she
saw you with Ariana Mercer at Matt
Sawyer's party last week.
(beat)
While I was sick in bed, no less.

RUSSELL
Yeah, I was talking to Ariana at Matt's
party, but, it doesn't necessarily mean,
that we-

LILITH
(cuts him off)
She said you had your hand down
her pants, while both your tongues
were "occupied".

RUSSELL takes his glasses off, and rubs between his eyes. You can tell he's wearing thin. He puts his glasses back on.

RUSSELL
So, you believe Kelly. Second
hand information. Over me, Russell,
your boyfriend of six months?

LILITH
It's still "second hand" if I believe
you, Russell. Which I don't.

RUSSELL
(beat)
Why don't you believe me?

LILITH
Because you haven't said it yet.

RUSSELL
Said what?

LILITH
"I didn't cheat on you."

RUSSELL
(simultaniously)
"I love you?"

They both just stare at each other for a couple of beats, both flabergasted by what the other one just said.

LILITH
(soft)
Yeah, well, now that you mention it,
you've never said THAT either.

RUSSELL gets his composure back.

RUSSELL
So, if I say that. If I say I didn't cheat
on you with Ariana Mercer. This
whole thing, this whole episode of
mistrust your having, will just "poof",
go away?

LILITH
(blunt)
Yes.

RUSSELL stands up. His voice begins to change. There's more inflection in it than before.

RUSSELL
(beat)
What if. What if I can't say that? What if
I can only say the other thing?

LILITH
(hopeful)
That you love me?

RUSSELL
No. The other, other thing. The
opposite of me not cheating on you.
Would you want to hear that? Would
you want those words coming out
of my mouth?

LILITH
(beat)
I don't know.

LILITH just sits there, arms between her legs while RUSSELL paces around the room, holding his glass.

LILITH
(timid)
So, you don't love me?

RUSSELL
(suprised)
Oh, come on, Lilith. I never said
that.

LILITH
So, you do love me.

RUSSELL
I never said that, either.

LILITH
Quit it.

RUSSELL
Quit what?

LILITH
(stern)
Quit playing these head games with me
like I'm some kind of monkey, some
unevolved creature that's lower than you.
It's a simple yes or no question, Russell.
You either do or you don't.

RUSSELL
Oh, come on. I do not treat you-

LILITH
Just answer the question!!

RUSSELL
(beat)
I don't know.

LILITH
Why?

RUSSELL
Because it doesn't make sense.

LILITH
(confused)
What? What doesn't make sense?

RUSSELL
Us. You and me.

RUSSELL slowly walks over to the window. LILITH just follows him with her eyes again.

RUSSELL
Look at us. We are two totally different
people. Different interests, different
outlooks on life, we believe in
different ideals, and we treat our friends
and families differently.
(takes a drink)
In all reality, we should hate each other.

LILITH just sits their, astonished by what's being said.

RUSSELL
(continue)
Me and Ariana, though, that's different.
We have the same views on just about
everything. Logically, were the perfect
match. Me and her make sense.
(beat)
MADE sense.

LILITH, who realises the stupidity of the whole situation, slowly gets out of the chair and walks over to RUSSELL's side.

LILITH
So that's why you cheated on me?
Because you met a girl that likes jazz?

RUSSELL
(laughs a little)
Yeah. That pretty much sums it up.

LILITH puts her arm around his.

LILITH
(usual self)
For someone who thinks so much,
you've got to be the biggest idiot in
the world.

RUSSELL turns his head to her.

LILITH
(continued)
Do you even know what love is?
Because from what you've just said,
it doesn't seem like you have a firm
grasp on the concept.

LILITH begins to roam around the room, childlike, bouncing on the couch, doing handsprings, etc.

LILITH
Love is that feeling you get in the
pit of your stomach when that
special someone walks by. It's
hoping that the person who treats
you the worst will one day ask
you out. It's going through a
million scenarios in your head of
why someone is five minutes late
calling you. It's forgiving someone
who's just cheated on you, even
though you have every right in the
world to castrate them.

RUSSELL grins at his own stupidity, as LILITH stops her antics and approaches him again. She gently puts her hands on his face.

LILITH
(continued)
But most of all, Russell. Love
doesn't make sense. It was never
suppose to. That's why it's called
love.

The two stare into each others eyes, basking in the warm glow of the moment. Then, they come closer, and share one perfect kiss.

LILITH
Happy anniversary.

RUSSELL
Happy anniversary.
(they kiss again)
I love you.

LILITH just smiles and looks into his eyes.

RUSSELL
Well?

LILITH
You know the answer to this one.


THE END




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"I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it"

[ThomasB]

Don't take it personal. I'm far away from being a good critic or even a better screenwriter than you. I'm just going to say what crossed my mind while reading the script.

Some parts of the script are pretty predictable. About three times I knew exactly what the characters were about to say or do.

The whole dialogue feels a bit 'sterile' and 'constructed'.

In my opinion, setting the characters in their late teens doesn't really fit the scene and they don't 'act' as if they're a couple since half an year.

Why does he tell her that he loves her, just after saying that the other girl would be his perfect match? Doesn't make sense to me.

Maybe it's just me, but I absolutely don't get the end.

I'm sorry if this sounds a bit harsh. Keep on writing down your ideas!

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ThomasB
http://www.biennavista.com

[Rar]

I thought it was a bit dull, because I've seen a few "person-confronts-partner-about-infidelity" scenes already. But it was OK for what it was.

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[Generic Skinhead]

It's not bad. It's just a bit...well, contrived, I guess. As a late teen myself, I can't identify with the setting very well and some of the dialogue. They're is nothing different here and in places it's confusing. Why does she forgive him all of a sudden? I don't know any women that easily swayed

You've got your premis, just try and rewrite it with some kind of an original twist or something.

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I can't believe I sold my image rights for a pint of Guinness!

[This message has been edited by Generic Skinhead (edited January 11, 2002).]

[Jacob Slate]

I just thought it was a bit predictable. I think the script as a whole could be inproved by making the dialogue a little more realisitic. There seemed to always been one syllable too many, like bad porn dialogue. I half expected the guy to prove his love for her by whipping it out. But, as a writer, you seem to have a good grasp of pacing and what the audience wants to hear next. Not my cup of tea, but then I guess I'm really only interested in my own work...

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A director in my mind, in my heart, in every sinew of my being, but not in reality (yet)

[Red House Painter]

This may sound strange but try making it funny. What I mean is, that where LILETH say's 'I'm not a monkey' you are on the right track. Also 'captain obvious' was good. If you look at the scene in American Beauty where they are having dinner, the dialogue makes you laugh even though they aren't. Amer.. Bea.. is a darkly funny film even though it is dealing with serious issues.


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If you can't stand the heat, get out of the frying pan!

[LAmind]

That was wondefull. That gave me pleasure from reading. The only part i don't like is the end. Because i don't know what happens in the end. Do they keep going out (apperantly). I guess what i mean is i don't get what "You know the answer to this one" means. I'd change the last couple of lines.

It was very good though. Well written, and I liked the characters. True though, people in their late teens don't sit at a dinner table with candles and they don't ussually celebrate their 6th month anniversarys. Maybe you could change that to somehting else.

-Ivan

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"A place for everything and everything in it's place".

[sickbag]

its crap

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[wolfwood]

Thanks for the criticism, none of it taken pesonally. Even the last remark. Hey, it's a first draft, so what do you expect.

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"I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it"

[hairbrain]

RUSSELL: (without looking up) God I had this NASTY dream about your mum last night

LILITH: Do you mind I'm trying to eat!

(they eat a little more)

RUSSELL: So what do you want to talk about?

(they eat on)

RUSSELL: What is this with you and your Mum anyway?

LILITH: Hey you know I don't like talking about her. Drop it Rus.

RUSSELL: She doesn't seem that bad to me.

LILITH: That's cos she `likes` you.

RUSSELL: And she doesn't like you?

Lilith bursts an ironic smile at him and both know the subject is best left dropped. They carry on eating silently.

LILITH: So was it good shoving your hand down Ariana Mercers knickers?

Russel almost chokes on his food.

RUSSEL: What the fuck are you talking about!

LILITH: Kelly Cheshire told me.

RUSSEL: Kelly Cheshh... What the fuck does she know? and what the fuck has this gotta do with your Mother?

LILITH: She saw you...

RUSSEL: Oh Yeah!

LILITH: ...at Matts party...

LILITH: ...whilst I was at home ill in the fucking bED YOU FUCKING.....!!

Her voice tails off in anger as she can't decide what to call him.

LILITH: (simultaneously) dog fucker!

RUSSEL: (simultaneously) Hey Lil maybe... Dog what?!.... Dog FUCKER?!... What IS wrong with you Lil?... that's absurd.. I've never... (gesticulates)

Lilith nods, pleased with herself.

LILITH: Kelly Cheshire told me you had your hand down Ariana Mercers knickers and you were ALL O V E R HER.

Russel gets up and gets the next course. He brings it in puts it infront of Lilith then sits down with his serving.

LILITH: Kelly Cheshire told me you had your hand down Ariana Mercers knickers and you were ALL O V E R HER.

Russel winces and starts to take a mouthfull

LILITH: Kelly Cheshi....

RUSSEL: (mimicing) Kelly Cheshire told me you had your hand down Ariana Mer. Well since when have you been interested in anything I do?!

LILILTH: (taken aback) What do you mean?

RUSSEL: You never get involved. I mean at least Ariana...

LILITH: (completing his sentence)... likes Jazz?

RUSSEL: Well yeah I suppose we do have that in common.

LILITH: I don't fucking believe it!

RUSSEL: (taken aback) What do you mean?

LILITH: It's always the fucking Jazz!! (picking up one of his cd's with a maliscious air)

RUSSEL: What are you gonna do? Don't... Don't do anything...

LILITH: What ya worried about Russ? Worried about your precious Jazz are you?

RUSSEL: Hey Lil.. give me... give me the cd


(I don't know this one kinda rambled out of me whilst I sat at my computer waiting for stuff to get done. You'll find alot of your points are still there but they're just not broadcast so obviously and loudly. Baddies don't tell you they're baddies... they act like baddies and then you recodnise them as such. This goes all the way through script writing and works on every level... good luck... nice idea

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